April 05, 2004terror [phantasm]i don't remember how it started, or what triggered it or could even be remotely rationalized as a cause. i just felt it coming.
it started somewhere between my shoulder blades. muscles tightening a fiber at a time. adrenaline spiking as rates swelled from drip to surge. teeth squibbing together as jaw tension slowly rose to steely grip. breaths shortening and quickening. hands growing uncomfortably moist from the sweat gathering across arms twisted into deathgrip.
struggling.
thrashing.
the explosion of panic in my chest.and then suddenly everything. stopped.
thundering heartbeat echoing in startling silence. lungs begged to heave for breath but the signals just weren't getting through to command any movement. i could feel the pressure building again. but this time it wasn't preparation for fight or flight. i felt like i was being smothered. somewhere, in the distance, i could logically conclude this was the time to freak out to some royal degree. and i was sure, that somewhere in the distance, i was doing exactly that.
the only problem is that i was watching from behind this mockery of a looking glass and couldn't jump back into my body to bring such acts to fruition. i was screaming from inside a sound-proof room. no matter how hard i threw myself into desperate attempts - nothing would happen.
fear paralysis.
seemingly catatonic state broken by my wife frantically trying to shake me awake because my reactions had been violent enough to catch her sleepy attention. a few murmured words. the garbled recollection and judgement that i was, indeed, allright. tentative relaxation that crept ever so slowly back towards the confines of sleep.
i didn't feel like i even got there. mere seconds could not have passed by in the time it took me to recognize the mirrored closet doors of our bedroom, exhale, and suddenly arrive back in the house.
empty house. strange house. i had been here before.
i was damned certain this was the house from the previous dream.i do not remember purchasing my sandman concord ticket back to this realm. but somehow i was instantly back in the residence. instantly. i could still fucking FEEL myself back in the real world, in my bed, snuggled up next to my wife. but my surroundings were - unmistakably - this strange house. it seemed more like a doublewide trailer than an actual permanent structure. the carpets were mottled brown. the walls a faded rendition of white. no furniture to speak of any inhabitants - yet i knew the person that called this place a home. logic and memory dictated that this person should, then, be at home. or there should at least be some evidence of their lifeforce somewhere about the place.
there was the spark of suggestion i should perhaps go exploring and search down this mystery person and clear away this baffling cloud of semi-confusion.
heh. not so lucky. i could feel it beginning again.
all the sneaky little signs that something's about to happen. now normally, there's something that instigates the reaction. for every action there is an equal and opposite and so on. so i simply looked around the half-lit, empty room to see what was making me all sketchy. but there was nothing. nothing but me and the darkness and the air i was struggling to pull into my lungs so i could scream.
it was unfuckingholy terror.
i couldn't figure out what caused it, and i could do even less to stop it. my mind just spun out of control because i knew somehwere beyond any reach of my cognition i was throwing a fit to make a princess proud. fighting with everything i had to get loose from whatever it was that was just crushing me into silence. but where i was just then? the reality as i knew it? silence.
deathly. crushing. silence.
broken only by the sound of my wife's voice breaking through the distant echoes of sound to drag me back to the surface of whatever lake i was drowning in.
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the dreams are getting worse
Posted by Wolf at April 05, 2004 10:05 PM
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