April 14, 2004fuck-up [dream]oh.... you mean he's a fuck-up.
she said it so quietly. hushed and serious. like a condolence.
like "fuck-up" was the label for what i was.
"deranged" or "fucked up" or even "mentally disabled" wasn't good enough anymore.
like i. was a fucking. mistake.i can hardly remember much of the dream anymore. just this girlfriend of my wife's murmuring that in saddened horror upon finding something out - most likely symbolically instead of reality...ly... - about me. but the visage of her expression is fucking burned into my mind.
the shocked gasp that parted her lips. the sorrow that glimmered in her eyes. the downward slant of despair in her brows. the breathy whisper of her apology.
like i was some fucking crippled BURDEN my wife was obligated to take care of because nobody else would.
that's what woke me up. the visceral emotional response to hearing that. not the bright red flashy screamy horror movie part of the dream that took over after the little turn of phrase. but the lingering, overwhelming gut-wrenching heart-breaking super-ego backlash that ensued and verily overshadowed all the visual massacre that became one of my normal nightmares. i could literally feel myself slowly stepping backwards and shaking my head in some greif-response reaction to something akin of learning of a loved one's death.
most of the time, i can maintain a good strong grasp on the difference of what happens in dream world and what's on the regularly accepted plane of reality. most of the time, i can shake off what happens in a dream with little more than an expressive discussion or dissertation within which i can come to terms, analyze, accept, and even figure out wtf is going on in my head. i'll admit some of my dreams are waaaay out there on the "wacked out" scale and sometimes even entertaining as hell to share. others terrify people. some have even made people scared of me for the very fact and question of what would happen should such impulses be acted out in the physical realm.
i am the first to admit that i've got some seeeeeerrrrrious demons within.
better to work that shit out subconsciously, in rp, and in prose than to suddenly lose control and follow the mysterious whim, and all that. i've done my studies and been through my fuckin therapy and have a pretty goddamned good handle on things. i could be in MUCH worse shape. i could be completely non-functioning. i could be back behind bars or, even worse, on the other side of a thick pane of glass under constant obvservation.
there's been literal blood, sweat, and tears to get where i am. i've got a long way to go, but i ain't doin' that bad.
but to hear something like that, even in a dream?
man..... it can bring all those walls down like they were nothing more than a house of cards. i have never felt so LOW as i did when i woke up from that dream.
Posted by Wolf at April 14, 2004 09:48 PM
mood music: Linkin Park "Krwling" (Aaron Lewis/Mike Shinoda)
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