February 15, 2004apoplexic [mused]things have been getting decidedly worse.
the most logical explanation is that i simply have entirely too much time to think. i'm going stir crazy from some semblance of cabin fever which, in the absence of anything novel to do outside of daily routine, has allowed my mind to take upon itself the task of endless musing. i certainly would have preferred some choice in the matter. perhaps then i could have assigned a barbarically trivial task to pass the hours until the much needed vacation/retreat which should - theoretically - serve to clear away the accumlative gack and other such mitigating cobwebs, leaving my hands free to accept the reins which will guide the broken chariot representing my life in a new and much anticipated direction.
though i find it... antagonizingly... amusing that i've been summoned for jury duty beginning the day after returning to the country - thus pushing the launch date for aforementioned direction back to some impossibly vague time decided by the sole mercy of kern county courts.
it is only by the merest shift of weight that i am able to profess i am not yet a drug addict. by all means i should be on the substance abuse bandwagon blazing trails along the very thin line between death and glory. a sneeze, deep breath, or rock in the road can and will send me back into the ever-waiting arms of legendary highs and complete absence of reality.
probably the only thing keeping me from full-fledged addiction is that it's a damnably expensive hobby. thankfully i don't like alcohol enough to make it even a reluctant cast-member in this tragic play.
forget about health or happiness or the acknowledgement and acceptance of substances being a crutch. fuck it. i have that speech memorized because i've given it myself - ah yes, the gluttony of hypocracy - and honestly don't given enough of a damn to pay attention should someone dare repeat it. i believe i am becoming so disenchantedly miserable that i have declared elitist separatism from my own bodily colony.
and that ain't good, jack.
the last thing i need is any more dissociation. i'm disconnected enough. dash cunning defense mechanism, i'll admit, but promising convenience slides off the viper's tongue far too easily. while the ends may justify the means, sometimes the consequences are far greater than the benefits.
wouldn't even be doing this good if it wasn't for my wife's support.
a week in the carribbean should clean out my head. just have to think jaguar instead of wolf so i blend enough to avoid bringing home a souvenir i didn't pay for. sad that i've run away from myself so far i have to travel to mexico for discovery....
Posted by Wolf at February 15, 2004 11:54 PM
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