April 30, 2003grand terrace [photos]took a detour on the way home from work, first time there's been sun in days. sometimes i wonder why i moved here. to this small mountain town - i'm talking 1500 people, no stoplights and two stopsigns sort of small. as much as i love nature, i'm a city boy. born and bred. houston. singapore. tulsa. bakersfield. los angeles. you can put me in the middle of downtown during rush-hour traffic, where exhaust is plastering the gridlocked cars together bumper to bumper like some sick adhesive - and i'm just mellow as can be. no worries. sometimes the steady city silence - you know, that white noise of cars and buildings and electricity and machines - drives people up the wall. i don't even hear it. i crave culture. some museum opening or the symphony concerting or the newest one hit wonder band playing or the latenight clubs or even a garish auto show... man, i would be there. it's some undeniable hunger and lust for the sheer energy of the city.
my other half is the opposite. long hikes in the middle of nowhere. driving 40 minutes to get to the grocery store - hell, anywhere - isn't an issue. lack of internet, sketchy satellite, sketchier cell reception, hiking to the local (way overpriced) market in the middle of a snowstorm because the roads haven't been plowed and won't be for the next two days, taking our own trash to the dump, quiet evenings at home in the dark cause there's no power, puttering about and hobbying in the living room because there's nothign on tv and nothing better to do - noooo problems. sometimes i'll just look, and momentarily wonder 'how old are you? don't you realize there's a world out there? how can you be so content? how can you settle for so little? there's got to be more than this....'
i don't particularly mind this. admittedly, i damn well enjoy these quiet bonding times. but there's so much more i want to do. i don't want to be stuck in a place like this until i retire and have already experienced all that i want to. i know i'm not stuck here. i know i'm just frustrated because i'm in a place (as a whole: mental, physical, and emotional) that isn't what i want. people go through that. i'm old enough to realize that is life. you have these little plateaus, in which you pause and just linger for awhile before hitting the next stage.
but i'm impatient. it's 2003. where is my flying car?
i graduate school in december, earning a second bachelor's in half the time because i've been working myself into the ground to succeed and be the top student at school. i want to graduate now. i will be applying for jobs that will take me back into the bleeding, festering, stressful, throbbing heart of the city a little after that. i want to be there now. i will be making the decision of whether or not to stay in my marriage within the next few months, because only time and effort will smooth out the rough spots or obliterate it completely. i want to make that decision now. i will be buying a new car around the end of the year because after ten years, no matter how faithful mine's been, the wear's beginning to show and it's more fixing than coasting. i want the car now.
i have a great little house for ridiculously low rent. i have an incredibly cool (if ditzy) landlord. i have a rewarding job and boss i adore. i have a family that supports me unconditionally in everything i'm choosing to do, everything from the color of my hair to the agony of giving in and deciding to undertake professional therapy because if i didn't i would kill myself or others - even this perpetual student syndrome i seem to have developed. i have two cats that look at me like i'm the greatest thing since catnip. i have a partner, that no matter how irritated i get with, turns around and floors me in the past few weeks by suddenly making the life i was ready to push away become everything i've ever wanted.
this translates to 'happy.'
so why do i feel like i'm stagnating? festering. missing something. why am i so frustrated? why am i just waiting for the other shoe to drop?
i have all this drive and no place to direct it. i. want. more. this isn't good enough. i won't allow myself to be stuck here or settle for so little when i know there's so much more i. can. make. mine.
arrogant snobbery? vicious greed? ruthless desire? relentless ambition?
bah. unplug. disconnect. step outside and look at the bigger picture. something to that snide and condescending effect. make a hard left onto that dirt trail and throw the truck into four wheel low. listen to the engine growl and the wheels grind for purchase on loose shale. climb and claw and drag on up to the top of that hill and even though you know what excuses itself for civilization is less than a mile away - realize there suddenly isn't a soul. to. be. seen.
nothing but sunlight and sage. wildflowers staining the chapparal shrubbery these magnetic hues of orange, yellow, and purple. the just-blooming trees thrusting branches towards the sky as if the tiny, budding leaves are some placating offering to the angry gods of winter-just-passed. high white clouds roll and tumble on the atmospheric changes. the sky is that clear, pristine blue unmarred by the thick blankets of choking smog.
the wind washes up the valley: the clear, light breeze slamming through a mind like an invisable runaway freight train.
deep breath.
one more.
valley northwest [72k]white flowers [132k]
fields of flaxen gold [128k]
sentinel [126k]
where am i going again? [112k]
mountainside [114k]
hillside oak [106k]
a little closer [144k]
gateway [113k]
Posted by Wolf at April 30, 2003 01:15 PM
CommentsDaaaaaaaaamn. Babe - those are GORGEOUS! those are also still HILLS but PRETTY ones!
Posted by: ~di on April 30, 2003 11:39 PMPost a comment