The past few days have been...... weird. Went from not sleeping and eating like it's going out of style to sleeping constantly (like 18+ hours per day) and eating only because it kills the headache and not because of hunger. All I want is to curl up and sleep. All any of us want. The smallest, most insignificant things set off tears and great sorrow.

A part of it birthday blues? Maybe..... hit 29 last Sat. Celebrated by going to a friend's kid's birthday party. She was 2. Spent most of the time playing frisbee (fetch) with the adults. But it was good to get out and just chill a bit. C brought Spazzboy some meth that was leftover from some our cousin bought, so did a few lines and had a few euphoric, conversational hours for him, and some fantastic sex for me (as in aching for two days after). But then we were right back into our strange little state.

But it was something more than birthday blues. Something..... smaller?

So in session today let Spazzboy do a little exploring. Wrote down questions with the right (dominant) hand in pen and let them be answered in with the left (less-dominant) hand with whatever color crayon or marker that was wanted. This symbolically allowed the subconscious, or whatever wasn't dominant as in an alter, out. Spazzboy isn't as threatening as any of us bigger ones, and since we've been feeling really small, it worked.

Was interesting attempting to get the left hand to cooperate. Asshole is the only one of us that's left handed, and doesn't have the coordination himself in handwriting to actually pull things together to write legibly. So he makes due with sloppy righthandedness. Oddly, doing it this way worked.

The first part was to draw this feeling...... it came out as a cube in bluegreen crayon, with a little figure inside of it.... floating right in the middle, sitting indian-style.

The conversation is mostly as follows:

Who are you?
little

Little Guy?
yes

(Makes sense, for our birthday present, DS bought a domain.... which not only houses a new journal which as soon as I learn how to use I will be transfering to, but has a space made specifically for the Little Guy. He seems to have been a little more aware, consistently, since then.)

How do you feel?
sad, six, removed, equal away from everything

Why do you feel this way?
NOT SAFE! they're coming

How can I help you feel better?
take me away, hide, KILL

(now, this newest part was in black, but since that won't show up, chose very dark red, and a little interesting bit more, is that all the other colors had to have sharp tips, the black crayon was very very dull)

Kill who?
the ones that hurt me, him, them, the ones that are guilty

Are you _____(asshole, the handwriting looked an awful lot like his)?
no, i am worse (assuming in homicidal tendencies, here)

How can I help you with this anger?
let. me. out. completely in control

What is an acceptable out?
nothing other than complete, nothing other than kill, nothing other than hurt those that hurt us

Obviously, this couldn't be done, not with the consequences that could arise *chuckle* But we figured out this..... Monster was related to the Little Guy. The more the Little Guy hurt, the more the Monster seethed and raged. It's like the moster in the cave, hell, it visualized in the cave. It makes sense if it's going to protect him. The monsters that would scare him (but don't), would obviously scare away others. So this little defense was used against the real monsters that hurt him (us).

So we considered that this Monster was probably six, and created about the same time as the Little Guy. So, perhaps, it was holding the Little Guy back? Oh no... while it is there to protect him, should he choose to move on, it will let him. It will function as long as he needs it to, then hang around for whatever else it may need to protect with it's violent anger.

But we were out of time, so brought some closure to it in a final note to the Monster

You're doing a good job.