johnny come lately - 5/16/2002

"johnny"........ isn't coming at all. No, that's wrong. Sex has been fantastic. It's everything else that seems to be going to pot. I feel like I'm stagnating in a whirlwind.

I've been so fucking volatile lately.

Things are getting off track. Hoping to get back on track.

Realized we didn't want to go to session today. A lot of questioning if we needed it. I think we still do. Laid out some directions of where to go, what to work with, that sort of thing. Realized the last few weeks of literally walking around the damn bush was simply to figure out the damn way to get in to the bush. Now, I need to figure out if I really want to be where I am inside this bush.

We're at a crossroads. Which damn fork do we take now? We're ready to move on.... but what direction is good for everyong as a whole?

Do we want to be haunted again by the things that made us the way we are?

Or are we better off not knowing?

A lot of it's the move.

A lot of it's the recent loss. How it in turn affects everyone.... so.... in turn, affects us.

Some passion may have found it's way back out. Suddenly experienced things as wholly as I used to. Of course, it may have been because I was drunk and high at the time. Gotta love it when inebriation is a factor.

I'm worried.

I'm withdrawing.

Things that I would normally find at least tolerable are now infuriatingly annoying. Comments I would normally laugh at are instead....... *sighs* I just want to turn away. From friends, loved ones, everything. I just want to take a step back, and walk another direction.

But that's escaping. It's avoiding the problem, not dealing with it.

Maybe it's the sensory overload. Emotions are finally filtering back into things, wholly, and I might be instantly reacting with hostile intent until I get used to the motion of this new ocean.

It's been said I'm at the end of my rope and people are walking on eggshells so not to be the one left holding the knife.

I'm trying not to be as irritable. But it seems to be what's happening naturally. Even the system inside seems off kilter. Much more irritates us as an entirety as compared to just a couple weeks ago. So I just try to keep quiet instead. It's not their fault, they don't know they're pissing me off. Why take it out on them when they don't deserve it?

The pressure is building. It has been for weeks now. When is the volcano gonna blow?

Something's just...... wrong.

And I'm not sure what it is.