...kerplunk - 4/14/2002

Was listening to that in the car today, Green Day's "Kerplunk" album. Had it since it came out. 1991. Damn I'm old *chuckle*

Yesterday was a rather harrowing experience. Had already been up since like 7pm the 12th (Thur) and it was nearing 11am Friday morning. Things started getting really funky. Few excerpts from ICQ

11.01am panic screaming death fear hurt it's like a fucking earthquake rolling through the plane *just holds aching head* panic anxiety terror mourning confusion fear

11.07am it's like i'm waiting for an earthquake

11.08am (DW, one of those I was talking with, that was feeling this way, too, as well as DS) It feels like someone... something is trying to grab for the chest... clawing desperate... Angry at something... I dont know bro.. no clue as from where it is at, or coming from...

11.16am ... dunno where it's coming from, feels..... south...

11.41am *feels..... drunk*

12.08pm *points* That's what I feel like. All the bad parts of having fun. It's like a fucking allergic reaction.... smokin some bad shit.... I still just want to BAWL...... screaming wailing fucking BAWL. Head's pouding again. I been wigged all night and this is pushing it over the edge

12.12pm *is just..... under table, very small and dark*

12.28pm *pulls under desk, plenty of room..... blankets even*
fuck.... i feel like i'm 6 years old....
i just wanna cry
i feel like i'm alittl ekid

at this point, 12.30, went outside, stood for awhile, caught a breeze, grabbed stuffed animals of the little ones and just sat on the bed and rocked, holding them.... talked on ICQ a little more with DS and DW and by 1.15 I was passed out, attempting to get some sleep so I could drive up to see C that evening.

Maybe an hour and a half after I got there, we were just snuggling on the couch, watching Discovery Wings, or something, and the phone rang.

C's dad passed away at 7.40pm.

Nothing traumatizing. He just slowly fell asleep then stopped breathing. C's mom and little bro were there at the end, so he didn't die alone. Strangely, things began to head towards the end around, oh, 11am. They picked up C's littlest bro from work on the way home. Spent the evening just quietly beginning to make plans, phone calls, and let it settle in.

Glad I said goodbye when we went back up on Easter after he had been sedated. I knew he didn't want me to visit again, so I don't feel bad about not seeing him these past two weeks. He didn't want to be where he was in the convalescent home, so decided to go up and join my own dad.... who he's said has been waiting for him.

I think they're happy.

C and I cried, quite a bit, at first. Now I'm numb, but not in a bad way. I'm sad, yes, and will greive when it settles in, but I accepted the inevitable a while ago. Were able to get to sleep around 1am Sat morning.... then up at 9 to go purchase some appropriate attire down in LA and then drove back up to C's parents place for the afternoon (where Kerplunk came in), down here in the evening to settle things with school that I'll be out of town for the next few days. It's now 6am on Sunday and I haven't slept yet. Driven probably 300 miles.... and now waiting for people up there to wake up so I don't set the dogs off at some godawful time in the morning.... once they're up, I'm heading back up again.... so we can be down in LA (again) by noon to begin making the service arrangements. I'm not driving this time...

I'm sad. I'll miss him. But I'm not sorry he's gone. Well, he isn't gone, really. Not to me. He's just moved on.... he'll be back in due time. Something here, something there, every once in a while there will be a little sign that he's still watching.

See ya round, Pops.