I don't know what to do.

I ache. I want. I need. I cry.... no.... I want to cry, but the tears seem not to be cooperating. Little bastards. I just go numb.

I have an enourmous to do list, both fun and necessary. I get through about half the tasks of the day, then pfft. All the drive of the little overacheiver goes right out the window. The one that moves at Warp 3 barely idles.

I want to take my heart and just pour it out. Grab that little fucker and wring it dry. Only problem is that when I grab it, it crumbles. No wringing for you today. Sorry, all out.

Thank you, drive through and come again.

So one would seek comfort.

*just..... smirks*

What, a hug? Heh.

We all know how the Spazzboy feels about hugs. I'm sorry but a pat on the head just doesn't do it for me. If a hug could take the pain away, that would be cool.... but all it does is remind me that you don't have this pain. I do. Whee.

Maybe this is because the birthday was last Sunday. It's not at all uncommon for citizens to get a little down around their birthdays. Biorhythm functions and whatnot. Actually had quite a good last week, considering. C's dad stayed fairly stable. Recognized us when we visited on Easter. It was hard seeing him begging to be let free of the restraints (he's been quite combative) and that got to the Big Guy - me and quite a few others, too, even if he was the one out. Had to go for a walk by ourselves. Felt shitty sorta leaving C there, but couldn't hear that after watching our own dad go through a lot of losing dignity shit. C understood. The pressure was building and we had to walk it off before someone popped out that shouldn't have. Went back after he had been sedated and knocked out again and held his hand, he squeezed ours..... so there was at least a good memory to leave on. Don't deal well with hospitals anyway, not easy going on one's birthday, but all in all a good day.

Also, during the spring break of last week, introduced C's oldest younger brother to hallucinogenics. Had some shrooms saved up from a buy a couple weeks ago and just split it up between the three of us and went at it. NEEDED to laugh like nobody else cared (and they didn't, laughed with us, dammit!). Better than doing hundreds of situps, believe you me. Also gave everyone a little bit of a chance to be out without being completely noticed. So that helped.

Made plans for the move. Got the process started to get cable at C's parents place so I can still go to school for the few months we may be there.

So why so down, still? Things are looking up, and I spent time with loved ones. DS remembered my birthday. C remembered my birthday..... the day after, but being a date not previously mentioned in any specific way I thought that was pretty good.

Might be cause the person I wanted to be with most wasn't there. Hasn't been there for a long time.

I'd be better off in love with a movie star. I love C, there is no doubts, but I am not in love with C. The person I'm in love with is completely different, and now lives in one of the farthest lower 48 states from me. It's much like being in love with a movie star, really, except my movie star knows I exist.... I'm not some non-existant, nameless fan. I..... AC is more than an idol, he's a blond surf god that, somehow, stumbled into a kid like me and was convinced he was in love. I'm not sure how it happened either, but no way in hell am I going to question it. He completes me in ways I never even knew needed completing until he was there. That now are so empty when he's gone. The simplest smile brings an elation that lasts for days, weeks, months even.

It has to last for months. I only see him every few months. Maybe for a few hours at a time.

To cut a complicated story short, he's basically an alter in another system. A very vague definition that does no justice, to say the very least, but it's nothing I could dutifully explain - but it very much explains why I cannot see him as often as I want, nor can we run away to the Casbah and make beautiful music together. His body has another life, which is the one they must live, just as I must adhere to the life and loves this body has.

He loves me, as much as I love him. He is the only person I trust to get close to me. He's the only person I look foreward to a hug from.... for any reason, in any shape or form. I want to be touched by him. I ache to be held by him..... I have never felt so safe around anyone.. and coming from me, that means a lot. I don't even feel completely safe around C. Just to have that "I am so happy you are here" look, kiss, hug.....

Well..... to have it typed at me. We only get to talk, occasionally, randomly, in AIM, if both the bodies have time. Which is almost never. I knew..... dammit I knew when I met him that this would happen, but I let myself fall in love anyway. I'm sorry C..... I'm sorry DS...... but AC is..... everything to me. He is everything I ever wanted, thought I could want, more than I ever figured I deserved. Yes, he's too good to be true.

In fact, normally it isn't this bad, I'm very content knowing he loves me the way he does. But I get lonely. I'm so starved for affection that a change in pressure in the house would do if it I let it.

But OH NO Spazzboy is faithful.

I will not go to the pressure change in the house. I will not rub against the couch though dammit it would feel good. I will not go to someone that's here and available and willing because that person is not AC. Even if it's only under the pretence of getting it out of my system, it is not AC. It is not the person I want to give that part of myself to. It is not the only person I don't cringe away from when he comes near......

Yes..... I will feel guilty. I can barely accept a cuddle while watching a movie with C without a twinge of guilt, or my mind wandering to AC. Wishing it was AC.

Guilt.

Over someone I can never really have. I will feel guilty and hurt and hate because of feelings of forsaking AC in order to fulfill my need for attention and affection. Hell, don't most relationships end because one partner does not give the other the attention and affection they need? The problem is AC does give me everything I need..... he just can't be here to give it to me all the time. He isn't allowed. If we each had our own bodies, then, hell, life would be peachy, wouldn't it.

What do I do? What fucking mess have I gotten myself into?

Do I just keep hurting and wishing and longing? Cherishing the few hours I get every few months?

Do I just sling all my reservations to the wind, go wild and fulfill those needs and wants and lusts and everything with someone who cares deeply for me...... but the feelings aren't returned? Do I then get to sit and think about how I wasn't strong enough to wait for who I really wanted?

Hell, I could go wild and have a sordid cybersex fling...... I know several willing. But hey, I can do that with AC..... so why didn't I wait?

Is that even a form of cheating? Fucki Fino. Feels like it would be. Why can't I just let go and take the comfort that is offered? Why