"Assignment 6-1: Self Portrait"
Do you know how fucked UP that is to read when you're a multiple? For the painting class this session, the first assignment for finals week is to paint a self portrait. Never really liked doing one before now, faces aren't anyone's forte in here..... but it's been passable.
Enter Dissociation.
Self portraits become highly disturbing.
Normally, we're pretty much able to pass over what the body looks like. Avoid long glances into the mirror, don't really study an pictures taken.... or... at least.... study everybody -else- in the picture. I mean.... for 99% of us, the body is not what we look like. There are maybe one or two that are actually content with saying "yes, that reflection can pass as me." But for the majority..... we look nothing like what the body does.
So to have to sit down and be forced to realize "oh yea, by the way, this isn't you.... you will never look. like. YOU no matter how you act, how you dress, how you portray your self.... you will always have to be behind this mask....." It sucks.... greatly.
It's become highly distressing.
The sketch was fantastic, good representation of the body...... pretty expressive and damn good looking..... but man oh man, when the paints came out, it just went to hell in a handbasket. It's actually a good painting of a person....... but not self. Selves. We can't paint a fucking SELF portrait. There are too many of us, too many different directions pulled, and can't quite breach the subject in class as an excuse to why we didn't do it. It just all went to hell from the first brushstroke.
No one's really sure why, so don't ask. Don't press the fucking issue. For god of your choice's sake, don't hug. Just read, and move on.
For some reason we can't stand to even look at the painting anymore. Yes, I know we're being faced with an ugly reality of realizing just what we are.
There are some that want to look at it and cry.
There are others than want to burn it.
There are some that want to just crawl back into a corner.
All of us just...... hurt.
Finished it early, turned it in, forgot about it.
The fight with C today didn't help. We're all stressed out beyond belief, at the point we can't work or futz about any longer. Anything else on the 'to do' list is negated by the fact it needs a level of coherence and concentration that is simply not available. Time to go crawl into a corner.... alone..... and wait for tomorrow.
I hate self portraits.
[Mirror_rorriM]