Printed out the bedtime entry and showed it to Doc. We delved into it a little bit, but actually ran out of time.
We spoke of other things, too.
Comforting things......
Whitey, Blackey, being grounded.
I haven't been grounded, lately, because my schedule has been so upside down. Took some time to refocus and I feel a lot better.
Though there is some rage building up that's looking for something to beat down. Have to be careful of that....
Looked at the resentment I have for being hugged. And how I've been like that for a very long time. When I was little, someone hugged me and told me it would be allright, patting my little head and saying things would aaalll geeet beeetteerrrr. BULLSHIT. They didn't. Since then? Fuck you. Don't touch me. Buy me whatever it is you want but don't you fucking touch me. There is no comfort in it.
We also looked at the Littlest Guy. Wondering a little just who he was. He might be a very young Spazzboy....... or he might even be a very young _me_.
Last Thurseday, had a bit of a powwow with C and told her of the Littlest Guy, and sommore of the dream than had been brushed over last time. But it was mostly of the the new little alter.
She pointed out he looked like Dennis the Menace.
Well, when we were about that age, we watched the reruns on Nickelodeon. It wouldn't surprise me that something split to try to be that happy little boy when we, ourselves, were in a living nightmare. I thought that a very astute observation on both our parts.
We remembered more of the dream, too, drew out the room that it took place in.
Now, the house we lived in at about that time, my room wasn't like that. Sort've, almost a mirror image, but things were in the wrong place. And the other two houses I've lived in with my parents didn't have the same window configuration, so we figured it the specific house in Oklahoma.
Okay, one detail down. 89th Street.
But things still bothered me that weren't present or were reversed in the dream. Now I can understand and accept that some things will be different in dreams that in reality, but this was as much a flashback as a dream. So some things that were pointedly there WERE there...... but not in my room as a kid.
Fish, for one thing. I have never in my life had fish, and there was a fishtank in that room.
The bed was on a wall I had a closet on, so couldn't have put the bed there. Maybe a mirror image..... but if it was, the closet was STILL on the wrong side.
So Spazzboy doodled this all out while talking to C, and we realized something.
This..... wasn't my room.
It belonged to a friend that lived two doors down. The older brother of this friend shared the very same name as my Uncle D.
I was afraid to blackball an innocent guy, when I wrote that entry. With this new information that we seem to have skipped over before, I may have been. I still don't know. I never liked this brother, either. I never trusted him. I may have uncovered why.
It's not uncommon to associate names of certain people with things. I do NOT get along with women named Robin. This isn't fluke. I've known three in my life and ended up really REALLY not liking every single one of them by the end of it. For some reason, other women who's first names begin with R have become problems too, I don't know why. But for little kids that have been hurt.... one person with that name, well, all people with that name become bad people. It's how little kids associate things. Just like an abused animal, it takes awhile for them to realize that now ALL humans are bad. Just particular ones. Little kids take awhile to realize that not ALL people with this name are bad, maybe only some people.
So who knows which one of them may have been the actual bad guy. It will still take some time to figure it out. One or the other, who knows maybe both.....
Baby steps man..... baby steps. *smiles*
[~ds]