Tenacious D - 1/30/2002

Okay, another stretch for a title, but this one IS about D, and he can be tenacious at times....

Maybe he's the blame for my lack of sleep, or lack of wanting to sleep.

I've spent the last two plus years aching to spend time with him. Missing him more than I would admit to myself. Neither he, DS, or I thought he was coming back to us, or, if he was, we didn't know when..... so I wouldn't let myself miss him, so it wouldn't hurt.

Okay, I wouldn't tell anyone I was letting myself miss him, so no one would see the hurt. Random things would set off tears or depression that I'd tell no one about.

D..... (heh) went for a rest.

Not in the way I was talking of earlier, but he took a vacation.

In the entire time I have known him, we have often used song to communicate when our own words fail us. Or, it's often quicker than trying to explain, and quite fun regardless. When DS was visiting last year, the song Pardon Me came on the radio. I pointed out that that song really reminded me of D. Everytime it came on I thought of him.

He was combusting.

He needed to be pardoned while he went off by himself and burst into flames from shit that, while obvious to me, was impossible for him to figure out and digest. The outer shell had to burn away before he could live again. It took two years, but the ashes are falling away. He needed his time to heal, just like I need mine now.

He was 23 when the shit blew up for him. I was 23 when I began noticing the splits and alters, no matter how small at that point. The song fits us both, really. I still have a lot of burning to do.

Maybe I'm clinging, in a way. Not flat out obsessing and physically hanging on to him, but just wanting to spend all the time lost with him, with him. I'm not screeching and screaming and demanding explanations for what went on over those two years. It's not my business, and if he tells me he will. If he doesn't, I don't care. I know parts and snippets and random details..... that's enough.... I won't smother for more information. I don't need that. While I understand that it is very important shit, it's not something that needs to be thrown down on the table in order for us to continue. If he came back without saying a word except the "Whoops, sorry I took so long" sheepishly grinning wave as if he was caught in traffic.... that would have been enough for me.

I'm just happy to BE with him again, here, now, and tomorrow.

That's why I've been staying up all night to role-play with him just..... being silly, mad, elated, passionate, aggressive..... LIVING......

Experiencing what was lost in those two long years.

Despair, depression, hurt, betrayal, anger, rage...... those haven't been around (though I'm sure they will be, in the spirit of the game, but not now...) We play, we have fun, we spend our time just talking of random shit, sharing songs, role-playing, thinking up ways to surprise or shock DS......

Since he's come back, I've slowly felt things beginning to shift -back- into place. Things that have been out of place for a long time. It's a good feeling. I've missed feeling this whole..... maybe when the newness of his being back wears off (will it ever?) I'll be able to stop wanting to spend so much time with him (okay, will I ever? *laughs* He's my best friend for cripes sake) and actually remove ourselves from the computer and go to sleep at a decent hour. Maybe I'm afraid something will go wrong and he'll take off again. I'll admit that, too.... smoke 'em while ya got 'em sort've thing. It's real small, barely there...... but I think I believe him when he says he's back to stay......

He is one of the pieces that completes me.

He's my bra. We went straight past bro into calling each other women's supportive underwear for cryin' out loud! (okay, it was a typo that stuck)

There is an emptiness that only he can fill, and for now, it's filling. It's nice to feel this way again....