Session - Pardon Me - 1/16/2002

We kept going into fear today.

Doc asked us to picture our fear, however it came out. For Spazzboy (doing the talking), shyboi, and a few others the picture unanimously and instantly became a very large male figure, backlit. Doc wasn't heading for that, had wanted like a big, black ball of goop, or something, and no person from our past in particular. Spazz was really good at just insisting that, no, this is what the first picture that comes to mind is.

So, working around that, we looked into the past. Just to see what we would find.

We took that shadow, and unzipped it.

Of course, this happened after we were talking of an Uncle (technically a cousin, but 10 plus years older than me, I'm from my dad's second marriage, remember, so all the grandkids from him and his brother are a good 10 years older. I'm the same age as the so-called great-grandkids, or mostly right inbetween, come to think of it, anyway.) So, we were thinking of think Uncle, of which we were never comfortable around and never knew why, when we were asked to see what face was on that unzipped shadow.

You guessed it, Uncle D.

Is that reality? Or is that just what we -want- it to be, because we never liked or trusted him, and were just thinking of him? He's been in and out of jail for coke, and has generally bad karma.... I don't know if that's why we never trusted or liked him, or if we actually were hurt by this guy. Cause he fits that shadow.

I was in a peevish mood before Session, uncovering all those possibilities helped keep it easily triggerable for the rest of the day..... no doubt.

But what about Uncle D? This is a mystery. I'd hate to blackball an innocent guy that just wasn't my type of person. I haven't seen him since the splits, basically since I was a child or young teen at the last family reunion when my grandfather passed on, so can't recall much about him. I know a lot of old memories of people can be a little fuzzy, especially when the last time that memory was worked on was when one was a child.

If I saw him now, I think it would click with someone if he hurt them. The shadow would have a face..... either his, or not. But then, when's the next time I'm going to see him. He didn't even come to his uncle's (my dad's) funeral. I'm not about to dish out the cash to fly back to Oklahoma/Kansas where he is (or was, hell if I know at this point).

So I'm at something of a loss. Going to let it stew for awhile.

=[<>]=

The first split I recall was around 23. That's when I became aware of another. Even though everything was quiet for a few years after that before more than that one started, it still revolves around 23. Quite a few other things revolve around 23, too, but those are mine to know.

I've always thought this song fit, but finally going to actually record it here, to find one day when I'm scrolling through old entries. Been listening to the acoustic version and must say it's fitting my mood...

Pardon me while I burst
Pardon me while I burst
A decade ago, I never thought I would be.
A twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion woe is me.
But I guess that it comes with the territory.
An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear. I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take.
And exploding seems like a definite possibility.

To me

So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games.
So Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.

Not, two days ago I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
Cause lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from.
The burdens of the planet earth, like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D...

And thinking so much differently.

Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games
Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.

Never be the same...yeah.

Pardon me while I burst into flames.
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games
So pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Pardon me, never be the same. Yeah

© Incubus, 2000.