The second assignment was to write about a changing point in your life, MLA 5 paragraph style, two pages, no more, no less.
You've heard me ramble, you should see the papers (dissertations) I turn in...... condense it down to only FIVE paragraphs? Two pages??
Well..... everybody wanted to write about -our- discovery, no doubt. That -has- been the biggest changing point of our life. But....... we also didn't want to expose ourselves in such a way to the classroom. Not yet.
Dozens of ideas were thrown around. Losing virginity. First leather experience. First gay experience. Meeting my wife. Losing my father. Becoming a student again, becoming a zoo keeper, changing majors several times back at college first round....
*shakes head*
All too generic. Writing a five paragraph essay seemed droll. Easy. BORING. We needed something more. We've always poured ourselves into our writing. It's a catharsis, therapy of its own...... cleansing.
Last August brought Asshole's After Midnight. That was the last time we wrote anything that thundered from the storm constantly roiling within. Rewinding back to May for Scaredy Cat's ....stalking...... shyboi's innocence a month before that. And the list carries on the farther back you go.
It's been too long.
So after being wishy washy for days, I turned to the latest nuggets of enlightment found here. About fear. Written in the hour remaining before it was due as a rough draft.... all that I've corrected so far were typos.
Fear can be the greatest motivator. Fear can cause a child to fracture; splintering beneath the pressure of the unknown. Fear can drive hate; ostracizing what is not understood. Fear can also be overcome; allowing judgment to be cast aside as understanding grows. Fear, more than love, inspiration or knowledge has driven the changes of my life.
Something happened, as a child, to instill the terror. Many children are afraid of the dark, the bogeyman that lurked in the shadows of a closet or under the bed. My bogeyman lurked someplace else; somewhere unknown. Instead of snatching my foot as I leapt from the doorway to the lifeboat mattress, my bogeyman could grab me at any time. He lurked in the spaces I could not search to find or conquer him. He lurks in the same place he has always been, though now I cannot remember where I first met him. Growing into a teenager I traded one unknown for the other. I escaped the mysterious shadows I could not remember and dove into the vast universe offered by narcotics. While remaining a Dean’s List student, I created my own fantasy within unknown reality. I began to hate what I did not understand. It hurt, it frightened, and I wanted nothing to do with it..
Discrimination clouded my vision. White supremacy became a filter through which I saw the world. My high school was the biggest in B_______, populated by more blacks and Hispanics than Caucasians. Wars between insignificant factions brought the police and ambulances to school weekly. I was exposed to more than I had seen before – races, colors, creeds and preferences I did not understand. While I remained civil, polite, and willing to acknowledge these differences - I was not willing to accept them. I did not understand them. I feared them, and I did not know why. What upset me most was preference. I could not fathom how one, especially a man, did not idealize the same mate I would. Light skin squandered for dark; and hetero forsaken for homo. For a brief time, fear of what I did not understand evolved into hate.
Yet that which we hate the most, quite often, is what we crave the most. A jealousy fuels the fear, igniting the hate. A fear of transforming, and transcending beyond the safety net of normalcy, and routine, binds stronger than the thickest chain. It takes an understanding of that fear to truly be free of its bonds. It takes an acceptance of the fear that slakes, greedily, its thirst on our very souls. Once that fear is embraced and embodied, only then can one understand it. The silken skinned, hard body of a man caressed my fear away. Held in arms I once would have broken for such a trespass, I understood, then, the reason for my hate. I was afraid, myself, to be judged.
Fear becomes man’s greatest driving force. It is healthy, to harbor some fear, to temper action and reaction. But to let it consume and control to the point of blind, bigoted, hate only wields more destruction. As a child, I was not capable of distinguishing the dark bogeyman of nightmares’ shadow from further challenges that could instill fear through misunderstanding. A coming of age provided the stepping-stones of maturity, which allowed arms enough growth to pull the wool from my eyes. Without that excess fear, I am finally free.
© in own name, 01.10.02 (with heading, double spaced - five paragraphs, two pages, exactly..... booyeah)
*just.... smiles* Again, exteremly well written.... nice work babe. [~ds]