Session - Fear - 1/9/2002

Fear is a mighty powerful motivator.

It can drive someone at gunpoint to do things they would never conceive out of fear of dying. It can drive someone to betray their friends. It can drive someone to give up their lunch money to the bully at school.

It can drive a child to splinter into a thousand pieces when that fear ignites to terror.

There's a lot of fear in each of us.

Spazzboy is afraid of rape, of that dark figure that haunts the doorway. shyboi is afraid of brutality, of being punished for being what he is. Bitch is afraid of being out of control. The Other Girl is afraid of men, in any form. The Fiend is afraid of disappointing, of being abandoned.

Me? I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not being able to protect those I care about and not let them get hurt.

I wrote something about fear a long time ago, and reading back over that now I realize how closed minded I was. I also, back then, just didn't now. I hadn't walked down the road that far yet. So ignorance is also on my side. I wasn't dealing with fears deep enough....... I wasn't applying those fears to the bigger picture.

I also didn't know what I'd be dealing with now. Such is life. We reassess.

M_M, you gave me a quote on that entry.

If you fear, then fear not. But if you don't fear, then fear.

I haven't feared for a long time, have I?

Okay, I'll admit that I was pretty unnerved when at the top of that ladder cutting Ilis down. But I knew what I had to do, I faced that fear, and worked through it.

A philosophy has always been "baby steps." The movie What About Bob? wasn't just a farcical comedy, for me. There was knowledge in that theory. Jumping off the cliff isn't going to help, and it's gonna hurt like hell at the bottom. I'll take those stairs over there, thank you, and arrive in one piece. I know sometimes the only way is to jump, to let go cold turkey, but this isn't one of those times. Now it will do more damage than good.

Doc and I talked of you, DS, today, too. Of how I was handling pulling back some of what I'd given you. I admitted I had, already, taken some. A part of it was that fear that I faced at the top of that ladder. But a lot of what I gave you..... wasn't only hurt..... I think it was fear, too. Fears we weren't ready to face back then, hell, didn't even know we had - which you may or may not be aware of.

A part of the reason why I won't just yank it all back at once. If I do, I know it will leave a hole..... I know it will leave hurt.... then where is the protector now? I feel I'd be abandoning you.

I need to get you on your own two feet before I rip away that support you really didn't know you had. Can you also see my fear of withdrawing from that support I really didn't I know I had? *chuckles* We both depended on each other, in many ways, DS, and not the same thing went both ways..... it's hard to let go of all of that dependency (don't worry, I'm not leaving you out cold, but you will not cling so hard to the very last of what I'm needing back).

A part of this is why I so rampantly support TWIM.

When you are comfortable -being- yourself then we'll have room to work. You will be able to stand, confidently, on your own. Just like through dragging you to school, and putting you into those art classes...... it's not just so I can say "I told you so" in that you have an artist buried in you....... did you ever consider that I'm teaching you self confidence and eradicating some of that admitted insecurity as well as giving you a way to finally complete your degree?

I have so very many things to teach you...... baby steps. One at a time. In my own journey, I will find the way to make us both whole. Doc wasn't too happy that I still end up carrying you, in a way, when I have so much to deal with on my own.....but I know that you must be carried for a little while before you're able to walk. There is no other way. Without me, right now, I know you will fall. Soon, though, soon, you won't be so wobbly.

We also talked of D..... and how his epiphany correlated with mine..... even if we haven't seen each other for years until this last week. Strange, that such a time he chose to come back..... no?