Session - Epiphany - 12/19/2001

You stingey bitch.

You stole my heart and I'd bet you don't even know it. That! is why I can't make the connection between my head and my heart, that's why I'm so lost. You, unwittingly, took all my pain into yourself.

You held it. Nutured it. Kept it all along so I wouldn't have to hurt.

Think back, long ago...... years even...... think of those long nights where we sat up, and you unloaded your pain onto me, and I kept taking it so you could clean yourself up, until you were ready to handle it yourself. I stayed with you as you cried and shook and feared and hated and questioned. I let, and prodded, you to get that all out...... so we could pick through the pieces and put you back together. Without even realizing it, I gave you access to my "heart." That's why my head functions so damn well, I haven't been holding my own heart.

You are so incredibly open you sucked that pain right up, didn't you, harbored it with your own. You clung so tightly to what I provided you damn well took a little home with you *chucklse* And I would not be surprised if you had no idea what you did......

THAT! is why our connection is so strong.

THAT! is how, uncannily, you know so much about me, and I you. I probably took a little of yours, too, so you could heal.

THAT! is why you hurt so very much when something goes wrong...... you don't just know my hurt or anger or pain or even elation..... you feel it, too....

THAT!....... frighteningly enough...... could be why the pup is so much like me. She may have her daddy's genes...... but her soul may have a little of me....

Yes, the heavenly chorus and bright beam of everlasting light has shone down upon us. The epiphany struck. I'm not even sure how we got to this, today, but it all clicked. I realized why I could never connect to myself, to that innermost pain, because it's not bloody well -here-. It's in the damn Arctic.

Remember how you felt more like yourself when you were down here than you ever have since you were little? That's because you found a lost part of yourself, too, and were finally close enough to it to grasp it.

Of course *chuckles* now I'll need that part back.

Maybe not all of it, just like I don't think I'll be able to give all of you back. A little at a time. Doc was a little leery of actually telling you this..... that you may hold onto it harder so I never have to hurt again...... but I told her that if I just took it back, you'd know it was gone. You'd know there was an emptiness that couldn't be filled..... and I couldn't do that to you. I also knew you'd give it back if I asked, no matter how much hurt either one of us is going to go through because of it.

The road's going to be rocky, that's for sure. For the both of us. But without holding all my pain, you'll be able to do a little healing yourself. And, when we delve a little more into this next time, it may even help D heal.... cause remember how the fab3some was?

The answer has been right infront of us all along.....