Hidden (theme 66) - 10/5/2001

"Did you ever have to break something to your parents that you were afraid to tell them? How did you prepare for it, and how did it turn out?"

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*just..... chuckles*

About a year ago, I made the side comment to mom that I heard things...... sounds that weren't there.... voices.

She seemed a little surprised, but basically let it go because I never mentioned much about it again. I also think my assurance that this so far wasn't detrimental helped that. I think she assumed, correctly, that if it was really bad, I wouldn't just nonchalantly mention something. But I was testing the waters, no doubt.

I mean, sure, I remember a happy peachy keen childhood, by average standards. Typical angry teenager, but looking back I didn't have that much to bitch about. Really....

Then a month or so ago, we decide that it's high time for therapy, and now, and actually get the ball rolling to find the Doc. My reason to mom? I wasn't functioning. I wanted to catch it and figure out how to function again before it got to the point it was more than a simple annoyance. Sure, my hand was a little slighted as for reasoning, but it worked. Mom, the wonderful person that she is, offered without pause to pay.

Come home from the first session and flat out tell mom that "Oh, y'know those voices? Doc says it's DID" not mentioning that we already knew.

"What is DID?"

"Well..... to paraphrase the DSM IV, Dissociative Identity Disorder is basically caused by childhood trauma before the age of about 7 or so.... mostly sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. Quite often a severe combination of the three. The child is unable to handle the trauma, and personality splits so that another personality comes forth to handle it instead of the child."

"Oh..."

She clammed up, removed herself a little. I don't know if it was just a shock to her, or maybe the fact she knows something she didn't realize I had forgotten. I don't know. I haven't even looked in that direction yet. I'm not ready.

I mean, who wants to tell their parent, that they have no really bad recollections of, that it's childhood trauma that's made one a nut, hm?

I was afraid I would hurt my mom. And after taking care of dad during his last years, and finally getting her life back on track with finances, the boyfriend, just going out and living again. Who was I to toss a shoe into the machine, hm?

But hey, who am I to decieve her what could be serious problems about her child? That would hurt her, too.

I'll admit it..... I felt guilty, no matter which way you look at it. It was picking the lesser of two evils.

I didn't want to jump on the repressed memory bandwagon and blame everything on her with the almighty smiting finger. An "I WANT YOU!" with blazing eyes to make Uncle Sam proud..... Sure, I had reason to suspect by her reaction, and that quick offer to pay without question...... but there are many plausible reasons for that reaction, and she may simply be paying because I am her child, and she must support me in my time of need. I mean, parents do do that. Or is she buying forgiveness for sins? I've read the books, I've seen the movies, I have an active enough imagination to come up with scores of negative reasons.

And what if I am wrong?

Wouldn't that be considered burning a bridge? I have no right to put her through a hell like that if she is not at fault. I do not want to doubt my relationship with my mother, at all, until I am sure we both even need to go through such trauma.

Sometimes, still, it's a little strained, between us. I've noticed she's pulled back a little..... and I don't know if that's simply fear of what she doesn't understand, or something more.... I don't tell her much about the Doc, or the others, other than if it's going well, or progress is being made. It's hard to tell the woman that raised you that you aren't the same person she raised, anymore. And they are still very shy around her, too..... because she knows what we used to be like.... she wiped our asses, for crying out loud.

In time...... not too long, I know. But not yet. We're getting there, though. Much closer than we were even 6 months ago....

Maybe, after we get this train rolling smoothly, we'll be able to delve more into what possibly caused the fractures. And again, maybe I will be breaking something to her that I may not want her to know, or am afraid to tell her for the reaction, whatever it may be. But no one's ready yet..... let's get the ship running before we enter hyperspace.....