RYN/E - 10/4/2001

I'm not actually the first to come up with or realize the energy theory. I read of a little of it in the book When Rabbit Howls the story of Trudi Chase and her Troops. "Trudi" has to keep a watch in her purse, or else it will not work. The dome light in her car never seems to last, and neither do the fuses.

I'm sure there have been other accounts documented about it, but that's an easy one to reach at the local library or bookstore.

And how did I learn everything? *points up* Books like that. I read other's accounts, I realized the hell they went through, so jumped to the last few chapters of their own fight to begin my own.

Trudi Chase, Sybil, Cameron West (who's the author of the book I got my nickname from, it's the first one I ever read and still my favorite, and outright the one that saved my ass at the beginning)..... the list goes on, I've recently found several other titles but just need to afford them.

As soon as I realized the possiblity of what was going on, I started picking up books, studies, and articles. What really helped was I was in the middle of my bachelor studies for Behavioral Psych..... I had a lot more resources open to me than your average library. But it's still out there, there's still the information.

I knew I had to get organized, or everything would go downhill really fast. At first *chuckles* we were thought of as role-playing characters that took on a little too much "life." *chuckles* For 2 years it was just one other, and after dad died, BAM everybody felt confident to be realized (even if, again, I thought they were just characters I was using to explore facets of my personality and issues I had to deal with)..... to leak out over the next few months. I thought I was in a do-it-yourself greif therapy through the game. As independant decisions and conscious conversations between them were made outside of the game, and realized, the plot obviously thickened. It was scarey at first.... and took me a long while to tell C.

I think the game helped, though. Through that, the communication issue was solved very quickly. We realized that with one body..... there has to be some coordination and organization, or else it's never going to work.

Everybody gets little things to themselves. A small monthly allowance they can spend or save, certain tv programs we watch every week, cds (one of the many uses of my cd burner is to make individual mixes for the car), brands of smokes, candy, even typeface in which to write in the journal in.

Everybody has something they are good at. That is why they are here. I've always used the Enterprise analogy. I'm the Captain, and this is my crew.... and without them, this ship ain't running. Some are for the pain, horror, terror, shame, shyness, hated..... but they each specifically formed to handle something a child's mind could not.

Some simply hurt so others do not have to. Some lead others through the darkness, so the others don't have to open their eyes to see the bad things. Some comfort others as they cry.

Some, like Spazzboy, have been able to remain optimists. Lending a little hope that, no matter how bad it gets, it will get better. One day it will stop. Years ago he put all his energy into surviving. We've survived *smiles* So now that energy needs a new job. Sure, he will always remain a protector, of sorts, our journey isn't finished yet, there are still things we need to survive through...... but he needs a new job, at least for a little while.

He's part of the team that concentrates on schoolwork.

Asshole, Shyboi, the others? They all have things they do, too, and I keep watch over them all.

It helps keep things organized. Gives them purpose, again. Many alters strike out when they feel they have no purpose anymore, or are not wanted, or not acknowledged...... self-injury because of an affinity to pain is not as common as people think. This is where the chaos comes from. They hurt just as a singleton would, and the frustration doubles when they have to share the body, or watch others succeed where they can't.... in the early years, the body would not have survived without their help...... it needs to be acknowledged that even though they may not be needed to survive the pain anymore, their help was appreciated then. And more than likely still needed now.

Just in different ways.

Some allow their alters do to the grocery shopping. Write poetry. Clean the house. Read for an hour every night. Watch a movie. Wash the car.

Everybody has something they're good at, still. Everybody has something they like.

It's not easy. You're managing a day care where not everybody plays well with others at all times. Not everybody is willing to let it be someone else's turn already. It's taken years of work to function like this, and a good majority of it I've done on my own. This journal is proof there are severe ups and downs at the group home.

So in steps the Doc.

As you can see, we've plowed ahead conceptually. We've reasoned and logic'd and cognitively figured all of this out. We think and use the energy very successfully.

But that's not the only kind of energy.

There's emotional things, too. And that's where we tend to trip and oft fall. We ran away from feeling because it was so much easier to think. We avoid emotions because they're so intense when they come out, it's a stress we don't want to deal with.

But, well, we gotta.

So, again I say, in steps the Doc.

My "cure" isn't integrating them. I have no desire or need for them to integrate. I sort've like having my gang around. Needless to say I'm never wont for company...... I feel sort of Captain Kirk-ish, with my crew in this beat-up old ship, boldy going where we never thought we'd be going before.

We may work together as a unit, but we'll never be just one. Some voices, over time, may harmonize, if they feel they should, but they'll never disappear. I'll never make them go away. If they fade to the back, it's their choice. We're a team running this ship, and I've no intention of changing that.

But to get everybody to work together as seamlessly as possible? I'd like that..... and so far working on the emotional side of things may be the ticket. It may not..... and if it isn't, then at least it will open the door to what is.