...... 9:30 PM ..... - 8/27/2001

That line was from "Schism" by Tool..... by the way.....

*sighs*

Why am I so unhappy? I can't even fathom or pinpoint what it is that makes me so unhappy. I begin an argument with a full load of steam, then it just turns into a full load. I can't even remember half of what it was I said, much less what I was arguing about.

I promised I would work to make it better.

Then I begin the day by exploding. I'd do what I can yet I don't know where to begin. And why does every option presented leave such a vile taste? Even when I know it very well may be a step....... in -some- direction, if nothing else.

I'm neglecting....... yet I'm so selfish to not care.....

I need to find something to make the world bright again. Vivid. Remind me of why I'm here to live.....

Yet I'm not suicidal........

Unhappy.... but not suicidal. So far I've kept those that self injure at bay..... but how long will that last? Will I wake up again with new scars I cannot explain?

I know I upset my mom just now by bringing up therapy to her..... I don't feel guilty, I don't want to comfort her. I stayed in my chair and watched her walk away. I think she's afraid. Of course, I'm not even totally sure I upset her. Whatever emotional response was going on inside of her.... there was nothing inside of me. She gave me her..... blessings..... so to speak, and told me to go ahead with it, and that I knew enough about it to know if someone's going to yank me so I wouldn't waste the money, but she removed herself........... *long whistled breath* Will I even be able to talk openly to someone I know is analyzing me,

.....

fuck someone walked in and I lost my train of thought.

damn.

Guess that's the end of that.....