........ 8:55 PM ......... - 8/27/2001

I'm...... frustrated, and I don't know why.

I need my space, beg, plead, outright threaten and push others away...... yet I cling.

I want to scream and bellow.

I want to whimper and cry.

I'm torn in so many directions I can't figure out which way to step first...... not even to save my life, relationship, or mind.

I'm reaching....... but I know not what for.

I can only take one step, but which one is it? Which way is it? Which is the lesser of two evils?

Can I let go?

Is it better to let go?

Then why am I so terrified?

Seems we're in a rather precarious position, here, Cap'n.

No kidding, and we know how I feel about heights. I have so much on my plate that things are dripping over the side onto the heirloom tablecloth, and I simply don't care. I don't have the capacity to care...... but I know I should.

I say "fukkit" to things that I should care about.

I seem to not have the energy, time, want, need or compassion to care anymore. When it seems I'm going to lose things I care deeply about it doesn't even rattle me.

So then I begin asking myself if I truely care.

Apathy is a very dangerous compatriot.

Yet the smallest things set me into frustrated tangents just shy of physical violence. I pull further into this darkened warmth of depression, I feel safe here. Lethargy warms me in that thick, soft, sweet smelling blanket yet I continue to work, study.... strive....

I don't think I even know who I am anymore. Those around me sure don't.

And I'm sure it's getting easier and easier to see, for those that haven't known, that things aren't exactly copasetic....... that synapses don't fire correctly, and haven't for a very very long time.

I know I should fight....... but why am I pulled so? Why am I pulled further and further away, wanting to break away to cower (or is it seeth?) on my lonesome...... go to the greener grass in that pasture? Yet I know I will regret when I turn around and realize that no longer can I have what I once had...... I let it trickle away, fall through fingers that did not move to cup that precious drink.....

I do not understand why the temptation is there to do something I know is wrong, I know I will not enjoy...... it's like a fucking drug, I know any pleasure I get, if any at all, will only be temporary, and I will ache to have what I turned my back on. Yet I do not fully understand what the drug is.... what the craving is..... what it is that I'm withdrawing from.....

I don't want hugs. I don't want to be told it will be allright, that it will work out. Tell that to me and I'll spit in your face. Hug me and I'll break your arms.

I'm so hostile I don't know what to do with myself.

I need a solution, a suggestion, something that I haven't thought about yet...... something new that might be a chance.......

Something to get me out of this downward spiral.

Jesus fucking Mary with a crucifix CHRIST I need help. Is a therapist going to be enough? Or am I at the point where if I wait any longer I'm going to be dangerous....... to whom, I'm not sure, but to somebody is bad enough....... do I need to cut to the chase and go directly to a center of some sort? And stay there for a few weeks?

Then what about the job, what about school, what about the animals, what about everything else that really can't afford my life to go on pause? I don't even know how long it would take....... can I afford to just stop it all for that long?

Will it all fall apart if I take that step?

Or do I have a choice?

I'm so withdrawn I'm worried......... will I make the right decision for everybody? Or is it someone else making the decision and I'm too dampened to know or care? We've already had one come out without anybody's knowledge.... this alter X...... sabotage among the ranks is not an uncommon thing.

"..... I know the pieces fit..... because I watched them tumble apart ....."