But I'm not singing and dancing my way through this one.

In fact I'm not even moving much. My shoulder stiffened up so much overnight that I'm useless at work, just waiting here long enough to for someone to get to the gift shop to answer phones. They never seem to get my messages.

I still wonder who this nameless one is. Nobody has ever heard of..... it. Nobody saw how much damage was done to the computer until now. Nobody even knew it happened, nobody knew.... it.... even manifested. Another thing to add to the list of things to find out about........

And the cutter is awake again, too......

*sigh*

We..... lash out when we're hurting. We lash out when we've been pushed to the brink, when we are scared, and there seems to be no other resort. And you scared me real bad last night......

Long ago he said to never tell.

So I hid it. From everyone save myself, and someone to share the pain with me. Even him. He remembered only slivers and you professed to remember nothing.

Until you asked me for the truth last night.

I know the setup was bad, I reacted in the worst possible way to that phrase. I know that set everything off. For Christ's sake the entire night set it off. But how else was I supposed to react to it? There's been little else said, by anyone, that has ever hurt that badly. So I thought spilling the truth couldn't hurt even near that bad.

And then you spit in my face I was lying.

That it didn't happen. It couldn't have. Fuck you I wish it didn't. You have no idea how much I wish it didn't, even I would like to forget about it. I know that in any other situation it never would have, it was a mistake. But it didn't seem like it then. It can only be rationalized like that now.

If given the chance.

That is between you and him. I'm back to my world of one. I knew a long time ago that it would never be more than that, and was naieve to think maybe there was a chance. Even if I knew all I'd ever have was a fantasy.

No matter my argument, I will be accused of manipulating things to my own advantage. That you will be lied to again as you have been before. You will believe nothing I say, all of it a ploy to gain sympathy or pity or to just get things my way.

I'm bitter. I'll admit I'm angry and hurt and....... no, nothing more, except maybe sad. I've sunk so deep I don't even have the energy to raise my voice in type.

I'm angry it happened. I'm hurt you didn't believe me. I'm hurt you had to find out. I'm sad what I was protecting is now broken. I knew I never should have told.......

I don't know if this can ever be repaired.

To say that all is forgiven by him...... would label me a liar, by you, wouldn't it? I'm sorry but the damage was then, even if things have changed by now. Just because I accept, and have dealt with, for all of us, even put it behind us until you asked...... doesn't mean it didn't hurt. That was something that was never given time to be said, last night...... that it's all okay now. Too much else was being said. Too much else was being destroyed.

I never said it before, because I knew how much it would hurt the both of you. I knew it would break the both of you. I'd rather be the one hurting than that..... and that's the way it always has been, hasn't it.... 'til now......

I should have kept the hurt to myself.

• Spazzboy