Breaking of dawn - 4/5/2001

You call yourself the monster, but look who's talking here.

But I am, look at what I've done. Love, respect, and honor....... aren't those a part of some vows that are occasionally referenced to in life? How can I say "I love...." and have it believed when the other two are now obviously false? "I want you" is too closely connected to "No, you wanted him." "I still love and respe....." gest cuts off with "Then how can you betray her, again?" before I can even complete the sentence in my mind much less mouth.

*smirk* So now you've made her feel less than perfect by your actions. Too bad boyo...... now you know what it's like to be me. The asshole, the TRUE monster. The complete antithesis of YOU - even if she's the only one in the world I haven't hurt. I'm the side that you don't want anyone else to see, he said it himself..... good call on that one, even if he's never truely talked to me before *chuckles* If you wanted to fuck every man willing to hold still and bend over long enough like I do, then it wouldn't be a problem, now would it. Fuck, suck, and walk. Easy enough pattern. The only saving grace when it comes to something like this. It wasn't special, it was another in a long line of holes. But no...... you have to give your everything, don't you.

I don't just 'fuck'...... I can't. I give 100%...... every time...... and she knows it. She knows that I gave 100% to someone else. She knows I cared. She knows I will never be completely hers again...... no matter how many of us are in the Cage. That doesn't help either.... I know I'm allowed same sex...... but not like this..... I promised her never like this.

Yes, you were sweet talked right into the sack. Hurts, doesn't it? That you, too, can be duped, that you can be used. Fucked, sucked, and walked away from. He's had no repercussions to deal with. He wanted to experiment and you were the stud he chose for it. Cause eeeeeeeverybody wants the Big Guy. I know as well as anyone else this never would have happened in person...... but that doesn't matter, does it? You fucking PROMISED her you'd never fall astray again. And you did. And this time it was for someone that doesn't even care for you. It should show by how he was treating me, by deleting "me" off his ICQ list..... doesn't that delete you, too? And what's laughable is that you still care for him, don't you.

I........ don't know.

There's your problem. You won't admit you were used. That someone you think you cared about would use you for a good hearty fuck or two, and move on. Sure, he apologized the first night, when you told him you fucked up and got caught. Has he said anything since? He seems to have recovered from this mess quite quickly. Then look. At. Us. Half of us can't even get OUT anymore. I'm lucky enough to get along with her even if my time is short...... what about the others that don't? What about the others that aren't comfortable being out in public yet? Who's only escape was this keyboard because they just weren't ready. Hm? She feels betrayed by all of us anyway, because no one stopped you. Too bad no one can. We're all at fault. We're all being blamed. We damn well should be. At least we're still getting something.

Yes, all of us suffer for my actions.