3.38PM - 3/27/2001

They blame him.

Yea.... he came along right as K left. Said everything I wanted to hear - whether he did that on purpose or his thoughts coinsided so with what I wanted.... I don't know. I'm not sure why I gave in.

But I did. I wanted to give in every bit as much as he wanted me to.

And the words he says, compared to the words she says, tell two such different stories.

"I would never hurt you" "He's intentionally hurting...."

And this time, who do I believe? It sounds all so familiar, doesn't it?

I have never wanted to hurt you, I made promises that I wouldn't. I am the one who was never supposed to be the betrayer, I was the one who stood by your side when all others turned away. I have stood, unshakably, as you cried. I made mistakes in the past, I do not make them now.

And where is that surety now?

What trust have I broken?

I am only human, you say.

And I know it is human to make mistakes. To give in.

But I am the one everyone wants to have as a friend. As a lover. A mate. Do best friends do this? Do lovers do this? Do mates do this?

"He used you..... he stole you away..."

I could have said no, couldn't I?

Do not look at the problem, look at the solution.

What solution is there? What recovery could there possibly be from this wretched place I've come to? I can't begin to accep that I've hurt you, that I've hurt you this badly.

I am the one that protects you from these bad things. I am not supposed to be the villan.

I can't stop you from blaming him, though I wish you wouldn't. Though I know you must. I know there is what he shows you, and what he shows me. I am that way with other as well. I wish things were so that we could both believe he did not do this to take me away.

No one can take me away. No one can replace your space in my heart.

Others will think he is scum, he is worthless, that they want to hurt him, they hate him. He believes them. He's leaving. But what about the one that cares for him? What about the one who isn't going to throw shit at him if he shows his face again? What about the one who doesn't want to turn him away? What about the one that doesn't want to believe someone he cares about could hurt his soulmate so badly, so intentionally? That he would take me away....

He can't. He knew that. He told me that. He knew he would never have more than a typed word. He thought it was ok. I let him believe it was.

But whom can I make believe who?