Naked Sheep - 3/15/2001

The sheep at the Zoo really need to be sheared *chuckles* I realized this Tuesday at work as I was explaining to a small fry exactly WHY that sheep had dredlocks.

Sheep're looking a liiiiiiitle bit shaggy.

And the snake that hid in his carrier beneath the newspaper the entire time DS was in the reptile house sitting at the desk was finally.....finally active the weekend she wasn't there. Go figure.

We had a good visit. I know I didn't write about it, and frankly, I don't care. You can hit her diary to find all the details, she covered just about everything.

I have joined a mailing list for people with DID. Hooray. It's another step *nods* A good one.

But it just hasn't been a good week.

Having DS down reminded me of one of my ex's. In a way. I met this woman, E, online several years ago. Or actually our characters met.... we used to role-play together. But we got very close. A little too close for my SO. I had to choose. I chose my SO without pause. I broke E's heart. I let her believe my promises that we both knew could never be fulfilled, but I said them anyway. Yes, I am a bastard. It's been three years, almost four, and I still haven't let go of her. And she hasn't let go of me. We talk occasionally.

E was a very honest person. She did not edit one bit of what she said, you got everything, 100%. It's one of the things I loved about her (not to mention she was a FANTASTIC dom, she could make me quiver with just a look, and without doubt knew what I wanted each and every time). Unfortunately, this tended to make others think she was a cold, cruel person. I knew her better. I read things as she meant them, not how they came across.

DS and E don't get along. There are probably no two people on earth that should have never come across each other more than these two. I've known this for a long time. Possessive best friend...... possessive ex-lover. Baaaad combination.

So of course I end up talking to E whilst DS is here and we're incredibly drunk. Something gets misunderstood. Feelings get hurt. E thinks she has been replaced in my heart. DS thinks E is trying to hurt me for what I did to her so long ago. I...... on the other hand.... have no fucking CLUE what I did. And did not even know I did anything WRONG until *thinks* three days ago, which is a good few days after the initial offense.

Somewhere in there is a diary entry I don't even know about. I am male, and I am faulty. I need constant repairs to function anywhere resembling full capacity. I think I missed my last tune-up.

So I find out DS and E have gotten into a bit of an argument over this mythical, mystical entry. They should know better than to talk by now. Nevertheless, it happened. In fact that is how I found out I did something wrong, whatever it was.

Everyone thinks whatever E is saying is coming out to intentionally hurt me. It easily reads that way. I'm a psychologist dammit, I can see THROUGH this shit. And a part of me believes that's how she means things, now. But.......... she also said things the same way when we were together. Does this mean she never loved me....... or has never changed?

I'm confused.

I'm hurt.

I'm hurting.

I spoke to her. I expressed these and other things and feelings. We're still not sure where we stand. Go our separate ways? Or try for a friendship? This passing aquaintence bullshit is just not working. And a part of it is I keep wanting to look at her as her submissive. I want her to do the things she used to.

*sighs*

And, in this same week, K has left me. Or, correctly, K was getting involved with someone at school and couldn't find a way to broach this subject with me. I never said he couldn't, I just always reminded him if he began to see someone at school, just to let me know. I've always known we were not and could not be forever.

I found out through another person.

K said Patrick probably wouldn't want to share as C2 had to. I told K I didn't want Patrick to share.

So I'm not sure who left who there. And I know and understand K's action. K is BEING 19 for god's sake. I just don't appreciate not being told when I've been 100% honest with him. I also don't like the references to "you're not here enough." Never said, but the implication is there.

Well I'm sorry I don't have the time, effort, money, or energy anymore to take care of your high maintenance bullshit and drive 100 miles at your every beck and call when I recieve little in return.

Whoops *chuckle* Scusi...... I have right to be a little bitter. Even if it's what I get for sleeping with a teenager for cryin out loud *bangs head, should have known better style* And we're still "friends"

Whatever that means.

I have, however, realized feelings I have for an old friend of mine. I never acted on them til now because of many factors....... SO's...... K....... a plethora of other crap. Well....... fuckit. I think I'm gonna follow up on that drunken kiss we shared one night.

Bold? Yes. Rebound? Maybe...... but were K and I ever anything? Looking back I wonder. And wonder how much using the both of us ended up doing. I won't pick it apart, I won't try to find ugliness where there isn't any. I will not be that bitter. I'll remember it for what it was, and what fun it was while we had it. *nods, sagely*