Internal Debate.... again - 12/14/2000

First thing..... DS? TOOK YOU DAMN LONG ENOUGH, WOMAN *smug look*

And that leads to the second thing..... the theme. I did not realize until last night how much that FUCKED me up. I'm not the only one, either. We're all pretty low right now.

I know. There are many multiples out there who suffer from guilt. I mean, look at what you are putting your loved one through (I"m not EVEN at the loved ones point yet). I've actually been thinking about this since perhaps the weekend..... ironically it came up last night as we were all getting quite inebriated.

It came from a comment, she could see each one of us come out to take a hit/drink. And basically called it, sometimes she'd notice before we fully did *chuckles* she's getting pretty good at this...... made mention what a hell of a book this would make, then I piped up with how flamboyant some of us are, it'd be pretty humorous, too. Then we all got quiet. And I think it went something like "I'm sorry that I've made your..... our life.... such a fucking freakshow"

*sighs* Yea, bout what you said.

I mean THINK about it. One minute, you got the love of your life there. And you have no goddamn idea when the next switch is going to happen until BOOM someone new is out. What the hell are you supposed to say? "So, uh, where have you been?" Fucking christ where do you think? Sure, I've got my "place" online, in roleplaying, and we couldn't thank DS Oh right on we can use a name now *cheers* fuck off, man, my turn... enough for giving us each someone special to talk to and play with. So we've got this "place" we supposedly go away to and are safe. We have someone who keeps us occupied enough to let C have time with you. But the thing is, we don't go away. And we want more than that. I know it. They know it. YOU know it. And C sure as hell does. You saw how you and the spazzboy there were having to fight for control last night. C saw it right off and I don't know about YOU TWO... but I sure as hell saw the look on her face. I can't even begin to describe the look in her eyes.

*softly* It's regret. It's pain, sadness, helplessness..... there's nothing she can do to help other than accept it. And she has. She said so..... She.... has no other choice.

There was fear there, too. I don't think she's seen us fight for control, before. Or you two, anyway.. I've flat out told her I shoved another out of the way in midswitch to spend time with her. But that's because she knows how strongly I feel for her. To see you and spazzboy - of all people - switching back and forth so fast you coudln't even hold a conversation for five minutes cause you weren't sure who was talking to who...... that's just fucked up.

Dont you think I know this? Yes, I saw the look. Yes, I know it's been there for a long long time. And no, I don't know what to do about it. *sighs* How else can express gratitude of this magnitude other than just "Thank you"? I know she's going to stick with us. She made sure I got that through my thick skull last night. We've got no worries about that...... god but the guilt. How can I keep doing this to her?

But you're not the only one.

I know, kid. I know. But I was the one here in the beginning

Exactly. You weren't the one that shouldered his way in one night out in the garage, remember? You remember when I first forced my way out. Then soon spazzboy, and the other two. You're not the one she should be mad at. It's us. We came from GOD KNOWS WHERE like the relative that never fucking goes home

But we -are- home, is the sad part.

He's got a point.. We know where we belong. We just have no damn clue where we're from. No one can remember. So that means either Scotty beamed us in, or there's someone back there hiding a real fucking big secret and when that gets out ALL Hell will break loose