This is, what.. #36?

Was there ever a time in your life when you had to choose between two paths, and you've always wondered what would have happened if you had chosen the other one? How do you think your life might have been different?

As soon as I read what the theme was, I sat back for a good five minutes and just laughed. I could write a novel in response to this

Being a sentient animal my entire life it a series of what I hoped were the correct choices. Quite often I've looked back and wondered the age old question of "what if...." There was a series of 18 months in which I stared at a white(ish) wall nightly and pondered what would happen had I acted differently. I wouldn't have a record, that's for sure. And I believe I"m askin a great deal of what if's and how do's about my entire situation with K, wonderin which direction I should take how I should do it, the whole nine yards and then some extra belts....

Though I think.. even over everythin.. there's one fork in the road that has not only terrified me enough to back away from several times, but had I not made the ri - no - better choice..... I'd be dead or committed by now.

That was my first switch.

I know. Most don't have control over their switches.Somethign happens to trigger it and BOOM shudder switch insta-flipover of life as we know it. The brutality of completely readjustin one's life begins from there and there's little room for mistakes. Memories come forth that shatter an entire family history. Trusted souls become monsters lurkin outside bedroom doors.

Once again I ask.. where was my share? In the Duality entry, it was surprisingly easy..... and with this..... I have no abuse in my past. I've asked around inside, no one remembers anything. And unless it's the one or two hazy ones that haven't come out yet, the ones still in the shadows, that remember *sighs* I guess those things come when they do.

It was almost a year ago. It's been several that I could hear the voices.... had odd little tendancies that seemed quite random for how I normally acted. Would love a song that I normally would have no business even listening to. Used catchphrases that I had never even heard before. Slipped an accent.....

I acknowledged them

I thought I was just getting too into role-playing and my writing. The age old "becoming your character" syndrome. Little did I know I was just channeling..... throwing what I didn't understand into a forum that was easily interpreted and controlled. That kept them happy for a while..... they had something to focus on without jumping out and fucking up my life

I had almost switched a few times before, the edges of my vision would start darkening, the voices would get louder, one in particular, and I seemed to get tunnel vision as I pulled back. A few times I could feel someone standing beside me, or at least perceived I did, but through fear I could always push back, somehow regain control over.. the steering wheel? I thought I was just tired, or more stoned or drunk than I realized, brushed it off as that... near passing out, or something... time for some water and fresh air, right?

Then last spring break rolled around. C and I watching my mom's house cause she was on vacation..... of course, getting rather inebriated at the time. And we were talking about the others... I felt it start again. Ignored it, mostly, having been awake for probably about the second day by now I attributed it to exhaustion and made the comment we should probably finish our smokes and head inside, I was gettin tired.

Of course, we're talkin up a storm, having an absolute ball and enjoying each other's company.. so that smoke lead to another

And I realized that the voices.. his, in particular....were gettin louder,clearer,I could feel him payin attention, lurking just in the back of my mind like a song you can't figure out the name of, I could feel my posture slowly begin to change.. his presence was just incredible.. the raw power just made me tremble

And I was scared. I had no idea what was happenin, yet I knew what was going on. I knew I was going to switch...... and I made a conscious decision not to fight it this time around, just *chuckles* "go with the flow"

I turned to C, partially, snapping to get her attention because I didn't want to talk just yet, finally looking over with "__'s coming out." All I could feel after that was falling... yet through some haze, I could still hear myself....... no..... after a moment I realized I could still hear him talking to C..

(cont'd)