Coffins shouldn't be that small 8/19/2000

Today I wear a happy face band-aid. Somehow messed my thumb up, better to wear a happy face than bleed on the keyboard. Wal*mart special even, some% more, free..... along with other safari patterns cause the results of my coordination shall be in style, dammit! And of course, that whole inner child must be satiated conce

I'm not a child. I'm not even the youngest, I just thought they were cool

pt..... *smiles softly* They are cool, I bought them, didn't I?

So anyway, today..... I wear a happy face band-aid instead of a tiger striped, or leopard spotted.... or even camo in muted tones. My best friend needs a smile.

Last night she went to a child's funeral (not hers by birth, a relative, but not much of a difference with this wonderful woman). I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to be the guy who's shoulder she soaked with her tears. Every good black suit needs a mascara stain or two. And sorry K (her husband), I'm know you're doing your part, but crying rights are mine on this one. Well, would've been *sigh* I did what I could through ICQ

I did my part too....

Yes, and I'm thankful for it. Your humor is what we both needed. Cause after a while I started to crumble too. I know by experience coffins shouldn't be that small. It's just...... unnatural.... it's wrong....... it's impossible to accept.

When an adult moves on, it's a bit easier. At least there, you know a life was lived, something was learned, something was taught, someone was flashed...... just something happened. Life was lived Ah, but with a child.... you ask can something fruitful come from such a short time? What was learned?

Sure, you say, the child learned love.

Good answer, I say. You may be right.

Less than a year ago, I stood behind J - a woman who my SO and I both call the sister we've never had. We've babysat her two other kids countless times, we're aunt and uncle. It's a good thing *smiles* But I stood behind her, and her other two children, and her husband..... watching them lower my not even two week old "niece" into the ground. I was at school, in the middle of midterm HELL first quarter of my senior year, was scheduled to come up and meet her..... well.... the day they buried her.

Coffins shouldn't be that small. It's..... surreal.

It took me forever to even begin accepting this. I still wasn't over my dad yet, and almost an exact year later, I'm back at..... ironically... the same Funeral Home (in fact, J went there because they had treated us so well). Sure, I had accepted my dad's death. We knew it was coming for the last three years of his life (he survived and fought ALS for three years, a good 1.5 years longer than an overwhelming majority of those diagnosed) - so I was ready for it, I knew it was coming, he did too, we made sure to pack a lot of memories into those last years and I"m glad I bucked a bunch of other stuff to do it, too. But Little D, I never knew her, never held her, never even had the chance to let her throw up on me in proper uncle initiating fashion..... the first time I saw her was at the viewing (and she was still beautiful then).

I just couldn't understand.

J got divorced in the past few months. Aha.... maybe now I begin to understand.

Maybe Little D knew. Maybe she saw what was coming. Knew a single mom with two girls, aged 10 and 13.... maaaaaaybe having a small infant would have been too much of a burden. It may have hurt us all, deeply, to have lost her physically. But if you think about it in that light...... it doesn't hurt quite so bad.

So, in truth, she may have sacrificed herself to guide us through the future. Reminding us that sefless acts can and do still occur every now and again. Or, maybe she figured this world out real quick, said "screw you all, I'm moving on!" and did. Only Little D knows.

But maybe this will make it easier for my buddy, way out there *mumble* hours away. I know eventually she'll find me on here, and I'm pretty obvious to her no matter what little mask I put on to fool her (though it always works for a few days!). And I think that the fact I've told her about half of this through ICQ as I wrote it (conversation just applied), well..... erm....

*looks up, grins winningly and waves* Hi honey!

*chuckles* She'll find me. It'll be a nice surprise for her, that's for sure. Haven't told her I have one've these. Might even get a few other people interested in reading as well (gasp!). Losing a loved one, especially a child, is terrible. But maybe you gained something from it, too. It may help your grieving process a little, or it may change your outlook on life. Take it as you will *smile* And by all means..... take your time.